When We Remember
25 Years After September 11
There are moments in our lives that seem to divide time into a before and an after.
Tragedy can do that. So can grief and loss. We remember where we were, who we were with, sometimes even the smallest details of an otherwise ordinary day. Years pass and life moves forward, but certain memories remain remarkably close.
September 11 is one of those days for so many of us.
It’s difficult to believe that 25 years have passed since the horrible events of that day.
I was a young woman living in North Carolina, having recently moved from upstate New York. I may not have lived in the City, but I proudly considered myself a New Yorker.
I was at work that morning and remember several of us gathering around the television in the waiting room, trying to understand what we were watching. There was fear, but what I remember most was the uncertainty. Living near a military base made that uncertainty feel particularly close. We had no idea what the events of that morning might mean or what would happen next for our community, our Country, our world.
In the days that followed, something changed. The things that had once seemed so important suddenly felt less significant. Differences between people that once seemed grave appeared to disintegrate.
And then there were the American flags. They were suddenly everywhere. They hung from porches of homes and appeared on cars. People wore them on shirts and hats. Storefronts had them in windows. I don’t ever remember having seen so many flags.
There was a sense of unity that is difficult to describe now. We were all somehow bound together by something greater than us. I don’t even know if we completely understood what we were united against. We simply seemed to understand that something had happened to all of us.
There was tremendous sadness in that time, but there was also something really quite beautiful in people turning toward one another.
We knew we weren’t alone.
The Losses We Don’t Always See
Twenty-five years later, I think one of the things that stays with me is that shared experience of loss.
When we think about grief, we most often associate it with death. But grief enters our lives in many other ways. We can grieve the end of a marriage or the loss of a friendship. We can grieve changes in our health or abilities. We can lose a career that once gave us purpose or an identity that no longer seems to fit.
And sometimes what we lose isn’t something we ever actually had.
It may be a pregnancy we hoped for, a relationship we believed would last, a family we imagined, or simply the life we thought we would be living by now.
Those losses are real too.
Unlike a national tragedy, however, many of these losses happen quietly. There may be no gathering of people around us. No one else may recognize the anniversary. Sometimes the people closest to us don’t even realize that a particular day or time of year carries meaning. And that can make loss feel very lonely.
When a Date Brings Feelings Back
We tend to think of anniversaries as celebrations—birthdays, weddings, accomplishments and milestones. But anniversaries can also remind us of what we’ve lost.
Sometimes our instinct is to ignore the date. We may tell ourselves that it happened a long time ago or that we should be past it by now. Yet feelings don’t always follow the timeline we think they should. They can sit quietly beneath the surface and return when we least expect them.
Acknowledging those feelings doesn’t mean we have to relive what happened. It doesn’t mean dwelling on the past or allowing grief to consume the life we have now. It simply means allowing ourselves to recognize that something mattered. And we have permission to hold space for that.
For some people, that may mean talking with someone. For others, it may mean writing a letter, planting a tree, creating a small ritual, or simply spending a little quiet time remembering.
There is no right way to acknowledge a loss. Sometimes giving it a little space is enough.
Carrying Grief While Continuing to Live
September 11 also reminded me how quickly life can change.
None of us woke up that morning imagining what the day would bring. We spend so much of our lives trying to anticipate the future, often trying to control it. There are certainly things we can control, but there is also so much of life that we can’t.
Learning to accept some of that uncertainty isn’t easy. But releasing the need to control everything that comes next can sometimes release some of the anxiety that accompanies it. We can only live the life that is in front of us.
And I think the same is true of grief.
Moving forward doesn’t require us to forget. We can continue to live full and meaningful lives while carrying memories of what we’ve lost. Those experiences don’t have to define us, but they are allowed to remain part of us.
As I think about September 11, 25 years later, I remember the fear and tremendous sadness of that day. But I also remember what happened between people afterward.
For a while, our differences seemed less important.
We recognized something in one another. Maybe it was simply the understanding that underneath so many of the things that separate us, we share many of the same hopes, fears, loves, and losses.
And for anyone carrying a loss today—whether it is known by many people or quietly held only by you—I hope you allow yourself to acknowledge it. You don’t have to stay in the grief in order to honor what was lost. You can remember and still move forward.
Sometimes holding a memory is simply our way of recognizing that someone, something, or some part of our lives mattered.
Perhaps remembering is one of the ways we continue to love.
Written by Mary Claire Kerwin, LCSW
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This article is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for individual mental health care. If you are experiencing an emergency, contact 911 or 988.