A Season of Change

There is something about autumn that makes change impossible to miss. The air becomes cooler, the days grow shorter, and the landscape around us begins to look different. And if we slow down enough to notice, the changing season can remind us of the changes happening in our own lives, too.

There are some seasons of our lives we see coming. We choose them, prepare for them, and look forward to them. Others arrive before we feel ready. They seem to sneak up on us when we aren’t looking and may catch us off guard. Either way, change often asks us to leave something familiar behind and step into something new—and, even when the change is a positive one, that isn’t always easy.

Why Change Can Feel So Uncomfortable

Most of us find comfort in what we know. A favorite sweater, a familiar routine, schedules we’re prepared for. Even when something in our lives isn’t perfect, there can be a sense of security in its familiarity. We know what to expect. Change takes some of that certainty away and asks us to move forward without necessarily knowing what comes next. And that uncertainty can feel scary.

The reality is change is an unavoidable part of life. Sometimes it happens gradually, and sometimes life seems to change all at once. Our relationships shift, our families move forward, careers take unexpected turns, people we love may come and go, our bodies change, and the roles we’ve held (sometimes for years) may begin to look different. Sometimes we simply realize that something that was once comfortable in our lives no longer fits the way it once did.

But herein lies the rub. Change is also a necessary and important part of growth. It can open the door to new experiences, new relationships, and even new ways of understanding ourselves. Sometimes life changes around us and our only option is to learn how to change along with it. Growth doesn’t mean we have to welcome change. Or pretend that it isn’t difficult. It simply means recognizing that, even in seasons we didn’t choose, there may be room for something new to blossom.

Sometimes we choose change. Sometimes change chooses us.

And with those changes often comes something we don’t talk about enough: grief.

Even Good Changes Can Come with Loss

We tend to think of grief as something that follows a painful loss. But grief can also find its way into changes we wanted, hoped for, and even celebrated. The excitement of getting married can also mean saying goodbye to a certain kind of independence. Having a baby can bring tremendous joy while changing the life you knew before. Watching your children grow and create lives of their own can fill you with pride while leaving you missing the years when they needed you differently. A new job or opportunity can bring hope and anticipation, while still requiring you to leave people, places, routines, or even a version of yourself that felt more familiar.

Moving toward something new often means letting go of something else.

And it’s more than okay to feel that loss. Feeling sad about what you’re leaving behind doesn’t mean you’re any less grateful for what may lie ahead.

There Is Room for Both

One of the kindest things we can do for ourselves during a season of change is to allow ourselves to have mixed feelings.

Two things can be true at the same time.

You can be excited about what is coming and sad about what you’re leaving. You can feel hopeful and anxious. You can know that a change is right for you and still miss what you had before.

We sometimes think that only one emotion can exist at once. Or that one feeling is betraying the other. That if we’re grateful for what’s ahead, we shouldn’t be sad about what we’re leaving behind. That if we chose a new direction, we shouldn’t struggle with it. But our emotions rarely that simple.

Giving ourselves permission to hold both feelings can make change a little easier to navigate. We don’t have to rush ourselves through the uncomfortable parts or talk ourselves out of what we feel. There is no need to silence those emotions that also need a voice. We can give ourselves some grace while we adjust to the newness unfolding.

It’s important that you give yourself some grace during that in-between time. You don’t have to immediately push forward or convince yourself that you should be happy because the change is a good one. Give yourself permission to feel what you’re feeling and allow yourself time to adjust and adapt.

In every season we asked to let go of something in order to make room for something new.

Every Season Holds Something New

Autumn itself reminds us of this. You may look forward to cooler days and upcoming holidays, while still missing the warmth and long evenings of summer. We don’t have to dislike the season we’re leaving to welcome the one that comes next. And you don’t have to stop loving what came before in order to open the next door and move forward. Sometimes we can become so focused on the door that is closing behind us that we forget to look toward the one that may be opening up ahead.

Whatever season of life you find yourself in right now, give yourself time to adjust to what is changing. Like any season, there may be loss, but there can also be growth. And while you may not yet know what lies beyond the next door, there are still wonderful parts of your story to be told.

Each season of our lives holds its own beauty, its own challenges, and its own blessings.

And perhaps that is something to be hopeful for.

Written by Mary Claire Kerwin, LCSW
Stone Harbor Therapy for Women
Online Therapy in North Carolina & New York

Ready to talk? Stone Harbor Therapy provides online therapy for women throughout North Carolina and New York, with support for anxiety, relationships, grief, fertility, motherhood, and life transitions.
Contact Stone Harbor Therapy to schedule a free 15-minute consultation.

This article is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for individual mental health care. If you are experiencing an emergency, contact 911 or 988.

When We Remember

25 Years After September 11

There are moments in our lives that seem to divide time into a before and an after.

Tragedy can do that. So can grief and loss. We remember where we were, who we were with, sometimes even the smallest details of an otherwise ordinary day. Years pass and life moves forward, but certain memories remain remarkably close.

September 11 is one of those days for so many of us.

It’s difficult to believe that 25 years have passed since the horrible events of that day.

I was a young woman living in North Carolina, having recently moved from upstate New York. I may not have lived in the City, but I proudly considered myself a New Yorker.

I was at work that morning and remember several of us gathering around the television in the waiting room, trying to understand what we were watching. There was fear, but what I remember most was the uncertainty. Living near a military base made that uncertainty feel particularly close. We had no idea what the events of that morning might mean or what would happen next for our community, our Country, our world.

In the days that followed, something changed. The things that had once seemed so important suddenly felt less significant. Differences between people that once seemed grave appeared to disintegrate.

And then there were the American flags. They were suddenly everywhere. They hung from porches of homes and appeared on cars. People wore them on shirts and hats. Storefronts had them in windows. I don’t ever remember having seen so many flags.

There was a sense of unity that is difficult to describe now. We were all somehow bound together by something greater than us. I don’t even know if we completely understood what we were united against. We simply seemed to understand that something had happened to all of us.

There was tremendous sadness in that time, but there was also something really quite beautiful in people turning toward one another.

We knew we weren’t alone.

The Losses We Don’t Always See

Twenty-five years later, I think one of the things that stays with me is that shared experience of loss.

When we think about grief, we most often associate it with death. But grief enters our lives in many other ways. We can grieve the end of a marriage or the loss of a friendship. We can grieve changes in our health or abilities. We can lose a career that once gave us purpose or an identity that no longer seems to fit.

And sometimes what we lose isn’t something we ever actually had.

It may be a pregnancy we hoped for, a relationship we believed would last, a family we imagined, or simply the life we thought we would be living by now.

Those losses are real too.

Unlike a national tragedy, however, many of these losses happen quietly. There may be no gathering of people around us. No one else may recognize the anniversary. Sometimes the people closest to us don’t even realize that a particular day or time of year carries meaning. And that can make loss feel very lonely.

When a Date Brings Feelings Back

We tend to think of anniversaries as celebrations—birthdays, weddings, accomplishments and milestones. But anniversaries can also remind us of what we’ve lost.

Sometimes our instinct is to ignore the date. We may tell ourselves that it happened a long time ago or that we should be past it by now. Yet feelings don’t always follow the timeline we think they should. They can sit quietly beneath the surface and return when we least expect them.

Acknowledging those feelings doesn’t mean we have to relive what happened. It doesn’t mean dwelling on the past or allowing grief to consume the life we have now. It simply means allowing ourselves to recognize that something mattered. And we have permission to hold space for that.

For some people, that may mean talking with someone. For others, it may mean writing a letter, planting a tree, creating a small ritual, or simply spending a little quiet time remembering.

There is no right way to acknowledge a loss. Sometimes giving it a little space is enough.

Carrying Grief While Continuing to Live

September 11 also reminded me how quickly life can change.

None of us woke up that morning imagining what the day would bring. We spend so much of our lives trying to anticipate the future, often trying to control it. There are certainly things we can control, but there is also so much of life that we can’t.

Learning to accept some of that uncertainty isn’t easy. But releasing the need to control everything that comes next can sometimes release some of the anxiety that accompanies it. We can only live the life that is in front of us.

And I think the same is true of grief.

Moving forward doesn’t require us to forget. We can continue to live full and meaningful lives while carrying memories of what we’ve lost. Those experiences don’t have to define us, but they are allowed to remain part of us.

As I think about September 11, 25 years later, I remember the fear and tremendous sadness of that day. But I also remember what happened between people afterward.

For a while, our differences seemed less important.

We recognized something in one another. Maybe it was simply the understanding that underneath so many of the things that separate us, we share many of the same hopes, fears, loves, and losses.

And for anyone carrying a loss today—whether it is known by many people or quietly held only by you—I hope you allow yourself to acknowledge it. You don’t have to stay in the grief in order to honor what was lost. You can remember and still move forward.

Sometimes holding a memory is simply our way of recognizing that someone, something, or some part of our lives mattered.

Perhaps remembering is one of the ways we continue to love.

Written by Mary Claire Kerwin, LCSW
Stone Harbor Therapy for Women
Online Therapy in North Carolina & New York

Ready to talk? Stone Harbor Therapy provides online therapy for women throughout North Carolina and New York, with support for anxiety, relationships, grief, fertility, motherhood, and life transitions.
Contact Stone Harbor Therapy to schedule a free 15-minute consultation.

This article is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for individual mental health care. If you are experiencing an emergency, contact 911 or 988.

Finding Your Way Through Postpartum

You’ve waited so long for this baby. You’ve spent months planning and imagining what it would be like once your baby finally arrives. Maybe you pictured those first few days at home, the quiet moments holding your baby, or what it would feel like to finally become a mother. You imagine the beautiful, serene images you’ve seen on social media.

And then the baby arrives, and sometimes it doesn’t feel the way you imagined it would.

You’re tired. Really tired. Your body is recovering from not only the challenges of pregnancy but from the physical trauma of childbirth. You’re uncomfortable and maybe even in pain. Your hormones are adjusting, trying to settle. Your sleep is so disrupted… little shifts that never seem like quite enough. And suddenly there is this tiny person who needs you almost every hour, every minute of every day. You have never been this tired.

You’re trying to navigate all of this, but you wonder why it seems to come so easily to everyone else.

It doesn’t. I swear it doesn’t.

And I think… no, I know… that’s something we need to say more often.

Having a Baby Does Not Come Easily… To Anyone

Having a baby is one of the biggest (I believe the biggest) change a woman will ever experience in her lifetime. And change can be hard. Even the changes we want most in life can be difficult. We can be excited about a new job and nervous about starting it. We can love someone deeply and still find relationships challenging. We can look forward to moving somewhere new and still miss home.

Motherhood is no different.

You can love your baby more than you ever thought possible and still find these days incredibly difficult. And lonely. And a bit scary.

You can be grateful and overwhelmed.

You can be happy and still cry.

You can adore this little wonder and, at the same time, miss the freedom and familiarity of the life you had before.

And because you weren’t expecting to feel those things, it can be confusing. Sometimes even frightening. And that can lead to feelings of worry, guilt, and self-doubt.

Why This Conversation Matters Right Now

The Lindsay Clancy case has brought the challenges of postpartum mental health into a very much needed public conversation. The circumstances of her case are so absolutely tragic and complex, but the conversations emerging from it are important—and perhaps more relevant now than ever.

Because there are women struggling after childbirth who don’t necessarily look like they’re struggling.

And maybe you’re one of them. Or maybe you’ve known someone who has really struggled.

Everyone is asking about the baby… Is the baby sleeping? Is the baby eating? How is the baby doing?

Meanwhile, you’re trying to recover physically, function without enough sleep, navigate changes in your relationship, understand emotions that may feel unfamiliar or scary, and adjust to a life that literally changed overnight.

So I think there is another question in there that new mothers need to hear:

How are YOU doing?

The challenge? Those around you need to listen… and most importantly, you need to be honest.

You Shouldn’t Have to Ask for Everything You Need

One of the things I have seen repeatedly in my work with women is how difficult it can be to ask for help. I mean, we want to believe we can do it all, don’t we?

You may believe that you should be able to handle all of it on your own. Your partner may be working, and you don’t want to ask for more time, help, or effort. Friends and family have their own lives, they’re busy, maybe even with children of their own. Maybe asking someone to come over and fold your laundry, clean your kitchen, or let you rest feels silly.

I want you to hear this… It isn’t.

This is also where I hope the people who love you will step in, too. They also need to hear this. And I hope they don’t wait for you to ask.

Bring the meal. Wash the dishes. Fold the laundry. Hold the baby so you can take a shower or close your eyes for an hour… or three.

Sometimes what you need isn’t someone telling you that you’re doing a great job.

Sometimes what you really need is someone to simply make the day a little easier. To offer support. To be present. And to remind you that you’re not in this alone. But the reality is, they may not know if you don’t tell them. So ask.

When You’re Wondering if What You’re Feeling Is Normal

There is such an incredibly wide range of experiences after childbirth. Feeling emotional, overwhelmed, or just unlike yourself can be part of adjusting to an enormous physical and emotional change.

This is absolutely normal on every level.

But for some women, postpartum depression and anxiety can be more persistent and begin to interfere with everyday life. Some women experience significant intrusive or obsessive thoughts. And in rare situations, postpartum psychosis can occur.

Postpartum psychosis is an uncommon, but serious medical emergency and can involve severe confusion, delusions, hallucinations, paranoia, or losing touch with reality. I’m pointing this out as I want to distinguish what recent information has presented versus what is common. If you or the people around you are concerned about your safety or your baby’s safety, you need to consider immediate medical help. This is something outside your control and you may need support. It’s okay and important to ask for it.

I don’t want the seriousness of those rare circumstances to frighten you away from talking about the much more common and very real struggles of women after childbirth. Because those are not unusual, and very, very real.

You don’t have to decide whether what you’re experiencing is “bad enough” before you tell someone.

If you’re increasingly anxious, persistently sad, unable to function the way you normally would, frightened by what you’re experiencing, or simply know that something doesn’t feel right, talk to your therapist, doctor, or another healthcare professional. Maybe even just talking to a friend or someone you trust. They can guide you and offer support.

We are here for you and you aren’t wasting anyone’s time by asking.

It Won’t Always Look Like This

If you’re in the middle of those first difficult days or weeks, it can be really hard to imagine that life will ever feel settled or even “normal” again.

But this is a transition. It is one of the many seasons of your life… and you will move past it.

You’re getting to know your baby. You’re getting to know yourself as a mother. Your body is healing, and you’re finding your way into a life you’ve never lived before.

Give yourself some grace and room to do that imperfectly.

And please don’t feel as though you have to convince everyone around you that you’re fine.

Tell someone when you’re tired.

Tell someone when you’re overwhelmed.

Let people help when they offer.

And if you need more than the people around you can provide, ask for more. Asking for professional help doesn’t mean you’ve failed to manage motherhood. It means you’re taking care of yourself during one of the most significant transitions of your life.

There will be easier days. I promise.

You will sleep again. You will begin to recognize yourself again. You will find rhythms that don’t exist yet.

For now, though, you don’t have to have all of that figured out.

You have a new baby to care for. And you deserve to be cared for, too. So talk to someone… and be gentle with yourself.

Written by Mary Claire Kerwin, LCSW
Stone Harbor Therapy for Women
Online Therapy in North Carolina & New York

Ready to talk? Stone Harbor Therapy provides online therapy for women throughout North Carolina and New York, with support for anxiety, relationships, grief, fertility, motherhood, and life transitions.
Contact Stone Harbor Therapy to schedule a free 15-minute consultation.

This article is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for individual mental health care. If you are experiencing an emergency, contact 911 or 988.

What Does Therapy Actually Look Like?

If you’ve never been to therapy before, you may have wondered what actually happens once the session begins.

Maybe you picture something you’ve seen on television or in a movie: lying on a stiff sofa while a very serious, stoic therapist sits across from you, asking question after question, all the while scribbling notes.

The reality can be much simpler—and much more wonderfully human.

After more than three decades as a therapist, I’ve found that some of the most meaningful sessions don’t necessarily feel like therapy. Sometimes they simply feel like a comfortable conversation between two people.

So, what happens at the first appointment?

When I meet someone for the first time, one of my priorities is helping them know what to expect.

We’ll talk about how that initial appointment works, including confidentiality and its limits, and then I’ll ask some questions to help me learn more about you, your history, and what brought you to therapy. I’ll also ask whether you’ve been in therapy before. We’ll talk about whether that work was helpful or if you’re looking for something different.

There is no expectation that you walk into that first appointment and immediately tell me the most difficult things that have ever happened to you. You are in charge of what you choose to share, and we can always allow it to unfold as you feel ready.

That first meeting is also an opportunity for you to get to know a little bit about me. Feeling comfortable with your therapist matters, and it’s important that you feel that we’re a good “fit.” At the end, we can talk about whether you’d like to schedule another appointment. There is no pressure to do so. This time belongs to you and your voice matters.

“Owning our story and loving ourselves through it is the bravest thing we’ll ever do.”

- Brene Brown

What do we actually talk about?

Pretty much anything. And everything.

In later sessions, I’ll often begin by asking how you’ve been feeling and whether something has happened since we last met that you’d like to share.

Sometimes people tell me, “I really don’t have anything to talk about today.”

And that’s okay, too.

Therapy doesn’t have to be an hour devoted exclusively to problems. We might end up talking about a recent book you’ve read or a movie you’ve seen, a favorite sports team, time with friends, something funny that happened during the week, or any number of seemingly ordinary things.

Those conversations aren’t necessarily wasted time or distractions from the “real work.” They help me get to know you. And very often, ordinary conversations lead naturally into something much more meaningful.

There is room for humor in my sessions, too. Therapy can be serious when it needs to be, but I don’t believe it needs to feel serious all the time in order to be valuable. I welcome laughter.

My hope is that it feels calm, safe and, yes, sometimes even enjoyable.

Will my therapist tell me what to do?

Not necessarily—and that’s intentional.

I don’t see my role as sitting across from someone and handing them the answers to their life. Even if I did, I certainly don’t have all the answers.

Instead, I may ask questions that help you explore what you think, what you want, and what feels right to you. We can look at possibilities together, and I may offer another perspective or suggestion when I believe it could be helpful.

But one of the most valuable things that can happen in therapy is discovering that you already have more insight than you realized.

Over time, therapy can help you learn to trust that insight—to recognize your own strengths, build resilience, and feel more confident navigating challenges when they arise.

“That’s it?”

Years ago, I met with someone who was required to have what was essentially a mental health wellness visit as one part of a larger treatment process.

He wasn’t particularly interested in therapy (and he made that very clear to me!) and didn’t expect to get much from the appointment.

I explained that we could simply spend a few minutes checking in. That would be it and he’d be free to leave.

Instead, we started talking.

And talking.

And talking.

After some time, I let him know that the session was ending. He looked at me and said something along the lines of “That’s it?” and “It’s already over?”

“That’s it,” I told him.

He was surprised. This wasn’t at all what he had expected.

And then something wonderful happened: without any prompting or encouragement from me, he asked if he could schedule another appointment.

He had discovered that therapy wasn’t what he had imagined. It was simply a place where he felt comfortable enough to talk. And someone had listened.

Sometimes therapy really can be that simple.

But therapy isn’t always comfortable

There are also times when therapy is difficult.

Sometimes we may explore something that hasn’t been looked at for a very long time. I often compare these moments to removing a bandage from an old wound that never completely healed. Healing from an injury or surgery can be uncomfortable. Emotional healing can be uncomfortable, too.

The goal isn’t to create pain for the sake of pain.

The difference is that you don’t have to sit in that discomfort alone. And to remember that with healing comes relief.

If you share something painful, I’m not going to leave you there wondering what to do with it. We can sit with it together. We can try to understand it, navigate the feelings surrounding it, and work toward finding some peace on the other side.

When someone trusts me with something they’ve perhaps never told another person, I consider that a privilege.

There is no judgment.

There is simply another person sitting with you and saying: We can look at this together.

Do I really need therapy?

You don’t need to have experienced a major trauma or have a serious mental health diagnosis to benefit from therapy.

You don’t need to reach some imaginary threshold where your life has become “bad enough”.

I don’t believe there is a measuring stick for struggle.

We each have our own experiences. At different times in our lives, some challenges will be bigger and some will be smaller. They are still our challenges, and they still matter.

Sometimes people come to therapy because they’ve talked to friends and family and they’re still struggling. Sometimes they don’t want to burden the people they love. Sometimes they’ve told the story so many times that they feel as though they’ve “worn out the welcome mat.”

And sometimes they simply want an objective person who isn’t part of their everyday life to sit with them and help them sort through what they’re experiencing.

Therapy can be that place.

You don’t need to know what to say

Perhaps this is the most important thing I would tell someone who is considering therapy for the first time: You don’t have to show up with the answers.

You don’t even have to know exactly what the problem is. You can simply know that something in your life doesn’t feel the way you’d like it to feel. Or that “things” aren’t working. We can start there.

Together, we can explore what you’re experiencing, what you’d like to be different, and what might help you move toward that change.

And somewhere along the way, you may discover something surprising:

You had more of the answers within you than you thought.

Written by Mary Claire Kerwin, LCSW
Stone Harbor Therapy for Women
Online therapy in North Carolina & New York

Ready to talk? Stone Harbor Therapy provides online therapy for women throughout North Carolina and New York, with support for anxiety, relationships, grief, fertility, motherhood, and life transitions.
Contact Stone Harbor Therapy to schedule a free 15-minute consultation.

This article is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for individual mental health care. If you are experiencing an emergency, contact 911 or 988.