Finding Your Way Through Postpartum

You’ve waited so long for this baby. You’ve spent months planning and imagining what it would be like once your baby finally arrives. Maybe you pictured those first few days at home, the quiet moments holding your baby, or what it would feel like to finally become a mother. You imagine the beautiful, serene images you’ve seen on social media.

And then the baby arrives, and sometimes it doesn’t feel the way you imagined it would.

You’re tired. Really tired. Your body is recovering from not only the challenges of pregnancy but from the physical trauma of childbirth. You’re uncomfortable and maybe even in pain. Your hormones are adjusting, trying to settle. Your sleep is so disrupted… little shifts that never seem like quite enough. And suddenly there is this tiny person who needs you almost every hour, every minute of every day. You have never been this tired.

You’re trying to navigate all of this, but you wonder why it seems to come so easily to everyone else.

It doesn’t. I swear it doesn’t.

And I think… no, I know… that’s something we need to say more often.

Having a Baby Does Not Come Easily… To Anyone

Having a baby is one of the biggest (I believe the biggest) change a woman will ever experience in her lifetime. And change can be hard. Even the changes we want most in life can be difficult. We can be excited about a new job and nervous about starting it. We can love someone deeply and still find relationships challenging. We can look forward to moving somewhere new and still miss home.

Motherhood is no different.

You can love your baby more than you ever thought possible and still find these days incredibly difficult. And lonely. And a bit scary.

You can be grateful and overwhelmed.

You can be happy and still cry.

You can adore this little wonder and, at the same time, miss the freedom and familiarity of the life you had before.

And because you weren’t expecting to feel those things, it can be confusing. Sometimes even frightening. And that can lead to feelings of worry, guilt, and self-doubt.

Why This Conversation Matters Right Now

The Lindsay Clancy case has brought the challenges of postpartum mental health into a very much needed public conversation. The circumstances of her case are so absolutely tragic and complex, but the conversations emerging from it are important—and perhaps more relevant now than ever.

Because there are women struggling after childbirth who don’t necessarily look like they’re struggling.

And maybe you’re one of them. Or maybe you’ve known someone who has really struggled.

Everyone is asking about the baby… Is the baby sleeping? Is the baby eating? How is the baby doing?

Meanwhile, you’re trying to recover physically, function without enough sleep, navigate changes in your relationship, understand emotions that may feel unfamiliar or scary, and adjust to a life that literally changed overnight.

So I think there is another question in there that new mothers need to hear:

How are YOU doing?

The challenge? Those around you need to listen… and most importantly, you need to be honest.

You Shouldn’t Have to Ask for Everything You Need

One of the things I have seen repeatedly in my work with women is how difficult it can be to ask for help. I mean, we want to believe we can do it all, don’t we?

You may believe that you should be able to handle all of it on your own. Your partner may be working, and you don’t want to ask for more time, help, or effort. Friends and family have their own lives, they’re busy, maybe even with children of their own. Maybe asking someone to come over and fold your laundry, clean your kitchen, or let you rest feels silly.

I want you to hear this… It isn’t.

This is also where I hope the people who love you will step in, too. They also need to hear this. And I hope they don’t wait for you to ask.

Bring the meal. Wash the dishes. Fold the laundry. Hold the baby so you can take a shower or close your eyes for an hour… or three.

Sometimes what you need isn’t someone telling you that you’re doing a great job.

Sometimes what you really need is someone to simply make the day a little easier. To offer support. To be present. And to remind you that you’re not in this alone. But the reality is, they may not know if you don’t tell them. So ask.

When You’re Wondering if What You’re Feeling Is Normal

There is such an incredibly wide range of experiences after childbirth. Feeling emotional, overwhelmed, or just unlike yourself can be part of adjusting to an enormous physical and emotional change.

This is absolutely normal on every level.

But for some women, postpartum depression and anxiety can be more persistent and begin to interfere with everyday life. Some women experience significant intrusive or obsessive thoughts. And in rare situations, postpartum psychosis can occur.

Postpartum psychosis is an uncommon, but serious medical emergency and can involve severe confusion, delusions, hallucinations, paranoia, or losing touch with reality. I’m pointing this out as I want to distinguish what recent information has presented versus what is common. If you or the people around you are concerned about your safety or your baby’s safety, you need to consider immediate medical help. This is something outside your control and you may need support. It’s okay and important to ask for it.

I don’t want the seriousness of those rare circumstances to frighten you away from talking about the much more common and very real struggles of women after childbirth. Because those are not unusual, and very, very real.

You don’t have to decide whether what you’re experiencing is “bad enough” before you tell someone.

If you’re increasingly anxious, persistently sad, unable to function the way you normally would, frightened by what you’re experiencing, or simply know that something doesn’t feel right, talk to your therapist, doctor, or another healthcare professional. Maybe even just talking to a friend or someone you trust. They can guide you and offer support.

We are here for you and you aren’t wasting anyone’s time by asking.

It Won’t Always Look Like This

If you’re in the middle of those first difficult days or weeks, it can be really hard to imagine that life will ever feel settled or even “normal” again.

But this is a transition. It is one of the many seasons of your life… and you will move past it.

You’re getting to know your baby. You’re getting to know yourself as a mother. Your body is healing, and you’re finding your way into a life you’ve never lived before.

Give yourself some grace and room to do that imperfectly.

And please don’t feel as though you have to convince everyone around you that you’re fine.

Tell someone when you’re tired.

Tell someone when you’re overwhelmed.

Let people help when they offer.

And if you need more than the people around you can provide, ask for more. Asking for professional help doesn’t mean you’ve failed to manage motherhood. It means you’re taking care of yourself during one of the most significant transitions of your life.

There will be easier days. I promise.

You will sleep again. You will begin to recognize yourself again. You will find rhythms that don’t exist yet.

For now, though, you don’t have to have all of that figured out.

You have a new baby to care for. And you deserve to be cared for, too. So talk to someone… and be gentle with yourself.

Written by Mary Claire Kerwin, LCSW
Stone Harbor Therapy for Women
Online Therapy in North Carolina & New York

Ready to talk? Stone Harbor Therapy provides online therapy for women throughout North Carolina and New York, with support for anxiety, relationships, grief, fertility, motherhood, and life transitions.
Contact Stone Harbor Therapy to schedule a free 15-minute consultation.

This article is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for individual mental health care. If you are experiencing an emergency, contact 911 or 988.