There's something especially wonderful about Thanksgiving. Not only has the weather changed into the beautiful shades of autumn, but there’s something in the air reminds us the most festive time of year is approaching. We’re often reminded of holidays past and the cherished memories we may hold of them. We may be looking forward to time spent with family and friends. The familiar faces we see, our favorite smells coming from the kitchen, family stories we've probably heard a dozen times, and the comfort of traditions that remind us of holidays long ago. For many of us, it's a holiday we genuinely look forward to.
But, as an adult, the holidays can take on a different lens than those we remember and they often don’t hold the same nostalgia they once did. Along with those familiar memories, Thanksgiving can sometimes bring its own set of challenges. Whether we're hosting, traveling, gathering with family, or spending the day a little differently than we had imagined, there's often some things we may need to navigate.
As you read on, I hope you’ll find a few gentle reminders to let go of some of the expectations, make room for what matters most, and find moments of joy in the holiday, even when things don’t go exactly as planned.
Being Realistic About What We Can Give
One of the kindest things we can do for ourselves during the holidays is to have realistic expectations. For many of us, this can be especially challenging. We want our holidays to be perfect. The reality is, however, that this is a nearly impossible feat and the idea of perfection can set us up for feelings of disappointment or even failure.
You may love hosting Thanksgiving but recognize that preparing an entire meal is more than you want (or feel able) to take on this year. You may enjoy seeing extended family and friends but find that attending several gatherings in one day leaves little time to enjoy any of them. Or perhaps you're going through a difficult season of life and simply don't have the same energy or enthusiasm you've had in years past.
All of those experiences deserve care and consideration. It’s okay to set limits for yourself to ensure that YOU also get to enjoy the holiday. Setting boundaries for yourself doesn't have to mean disappointing others or giving up traditions that are important to you. Sometimes it may be a matter of communicating what you can reasonably do, asking for help when you need it, or being open to doing things a bit differently. A meaningful Thanksgiving doesn't require everyone to be present, every relationship to be perfect, or every tradition to remain unchanged. And if someone does need to do some things differently and the celebration looks less familiar than in the past, we can offer them that same understanding.
All the Little Things That Add Up
Sometimes it feels like Thanksgiving has a way of arriving before we feel quite ready for it. There are groceries to buy, menus to plan, meals to prepare, schedules to coordinate, and travel arrangements to make. Throw in work responsibilities, family commitments, and the expense of the holiday, and even the most enjoyable plans can begin to feel a little overwhelming.
For many women, there's also the less visible work of remembering all the little details that may be involved. Whether it's preparing your home for guests, arranging a trip to see family, or figuring out how to fit several celebrations into one holiday, there's often much more happening behind the scenes than anyone realizes.
And while much of this is done with love, it can still be tiring. And often others never fully see the effort behind the scenes to make the holiday special and memorable. Over time this can lead to feelings of frustration, overwhelm, or irritability. There can also be a sense of disappointment when the very holiday we've been looking forward to becomes another list of responsibilities. What began as something we were excited about can leave us feeling stretched thin, with little opportunity to enjoy the moments we've worked so hard to create.
It’s important that we recognize these feelings are absolutely valid. If we see them approaching, we have to ask ourselves “Am I trying to do too much?” “Have my expectations been unrealistic?” “Am I allowing others to help?” Chances are, we’ve tried to take on more than we may feel capable of doing.
It’s okay to slow down. Holidays don’t have to be perfect to be wonderful.
Families Are Wonderful. And Sometimes Complicated.
As much as we may love our families, let's be honest. There is no such thing as “one big happy family” all the time. Every family has its own mix of personalities, opinions, expectations, and histories. Sometimes those differences make for lively conversations and plenty of laughter. Other times, they bring familiar tensions to the holiday table.
There may be relatives whose opinions are quite different from our own, old disagreements that seem to resurface, or questions about our personal lives that leave us feeling uncomfortable.
For women navigating personal challenges, difficult circumstances, or relationship struggles that others may not be aware of, even a well-intentioned question can touch on something deeply personal or painful. A young woman may find herself facing questions about her career, personal choices, appearance, or relationships. A mother may be navigating comments about her parenting or adjusting to children spending the holidays somewhere else. Another woman may be quietly missing someone who had always had a place at the table.
And sometimes, it's simply the experience of being surrounded by people who have known us for years but may not fully understand who we are today. You might find yourself anticipating a conversation you'd rather avoid, feeling frustrated by an ongoing family dynamic, or wondering how to respond to a relative whose opinions differ from your own. Family gatherings can bring together affection, frustration, happy memories, and disappointment… sometimes all in the same day.
In her blog post, “Navigating Family Relationships During the Holidays”, NYC therapist Molli Ben-Gal explores how holiday gatherings can bring old family roles, expectations, and uncomfortable emotions to the surface. She reminds readers that even when we love our families, spending time together can sometimes leave us feeling frustrated or misunderstood. Molli’s article offers thoughtful suggestions for navigating these relationships while remaining mindful of our own emotional needs.
We don't always know what another person may be carrying into the room, even when that person is someone we've known all our lives. We can approach one another with kindness and curiosity while also respecting personal boundaries. And if a conversation makes you uncomfortable, it's okay to politely redirect it or let someone know you'd rather not discuss that subject. We can care about our family and friends and enjoy being together without having to agree on everything or allowing for criticism or judgment.
When Thanksgiving Looks a Little Different
I think many of us carry pictures in our minds of Thanksgivings from years past. We remember the house where everyone gathered or the person who always made that one perfect dish. Or maybe it’s the children's table and the conversations that continued long after dinner was finished. There's something comforting about those memories, and of course, we want to hold on to them.
But families change.
Children grow up, new relationships begin, families expand, and sometimes people we love are no longer with us. The table may be a little smaller one year and a little more crowded the next. And sometimes those changes are bittersweet. We can be happy about a new chapter in our lives while still missing something about the one that came before.
For some women, Thanksgiving may be a reminder of a relationship that has ended, a loss that still feels close, or a life that looks different from what they once imagined. Even familiar traditions can feel different when the people or circumstances surrounding them have changed.
There's also the picture of Thanksgiving we see in magazines or on social media. Beautifully decorated tables, perfectly prepared meals, and smiling families gathered together. Those images can be lovely, but they are carefully curated and captured moments rather than the true experience. Behind every family photograph are real people, each bringing their own experiences to the holiday. The reality is, nearly all (if not all) families struggle a bit when navigating a larger number of different people and personalities. And that’s okay. It's possible to look forward to Thanksgiving and still feel overwhelmed by parts of it. To love our families and find certain relationships difficult. To appreciate what we have while also missing what used to be.
Those feelings aren't necessarily contradictions. They're simply part of the complexity of our relationships and the lives we're living. Tension or conflict does not equal an absence of love.
The Moments That Stay With Us
Thanksgiving doesn't have to be perfect to be memorable.
There may be a dish that doesn't turn out quite right, a change in plans, or a conversation that doesn't go exactly as hoped. There may also be wonderful moments of laughter, familiar stories, unexpected connections, and simple pleasures that make the day special.
We can make room for all of it.
When we think back on our favorite Thanksgivings, it's often the simplest things we remember. A cherished family recipe. The running inside jokes that only we share. The gentle hum of the television after a wonderful meal.
Sometimes our memories include quieter moments, too. A now empty chair, a familiar voice we wish we could hear again, or a holiday that marked the beginning of something different.
Thanksgiving can hold all of these experiences.
As Thanksgiving approaches, consider what matters most to you this year. What traditions would you like to keep? Where could you ask for help or offer it to someone else? And what expectations might you be willing to let go of? Give yourself permission to enjoy and be part of the celebration, rather than feeling responsible for how everyone else experiences it.
The holidays may not always unfold as we imagined, and family relationships may not always be easy. But even in the midst of life's changes and imperfections, there can be moments of laughter, warmth, connection, and love. And perhaps those are the moments that matter most—not because everything was perfect, but because, in our own imperfect ways, we found something meaningful in being together.
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This article is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for individual mental health care. If you are experiencing an emergency, contact 911 or 988.
